The day we heard the words. There is no heart beat.
Nothing prepares your heart to hear those words, nothing prepares your soul to take them in. In an instant what you are certain of – (happiness) is taken away. Its ripped from you like the fetus will be and you can only hope you will survive the devastation that is left.
So you sob, you open up and you tell a story, one that you know will be difficult for others to hear. They will try and change the subject, try to listen but not hear. Just like you did when you first heard it. There is no heart beat.
You see people are not used to hearing someone be so open, so raw and honest with their feelings. “They” are used to people crying alone, suffering in silence and making the people around them feel comfortable by not talking about how they feel. It’s harder on them but easier on the person that has to hear it. There is no heart beat.
So I decided to be that person. Last year, to tell my story, our story and to be open, honest and vulnerable. I was the one that heard those words. There is no heart beat. I was the one that had my soul and baby ripped away from me – the Mother. I was the one that decided to open up and tell a story to those that would be prepared to feel a smidgen of the pain I did. To help other Mommies who would have to go through this same thing or something similar. To make them realise: Its not you, its natures way and Gods way.
I prayed harder than I have ever prayed before. That there would be a heart beat. That God would make a miracle come our way and that everything would be fine.
Then I changed my prayer. I changed it to…
Let your Will be done.
God knew. He knew exactly what I needed, what our family needed and I believe with every fibre of my being that he protected us.
I prayed another prayer – Let my JOY not be taken away. From the moment I uttered those words I have felt incredible warmth, support and love straight from heaven. It sounds so silly but colours have been brighter, moments more meaningful and I have been filled with a joy that is indescribable. They call a baby after a miscarriage a rainbow baby. Now I know why. I feel her she is a little rainbow
You see its hard for me to explain how I didn’t mourn after I prayed those words, I just felt peace and I had a sense of knowing that I had been cared for. God has NEVER let me down. Not once. He has held me in his hands. He never left my side, he strengthened me beyond what I can explain or what others can understand. I believe I was given this experience so that I could use my voice to let others know that they are not alone. He goes before us and he goes after us, but most of all he goes WITH us.
I had the first idea for this shoot after our Son was born and I mentioned to my good friend Laura a few years ago. Laura is an incredible Makeup Artist (and friend!) who owns Laura & Co.
When I fell pregnant with the little girl I am currently carrying, I messaged her and asked her if she would please paint the baby for me. She remembered straight away us discussing it a few years before. I then met Alexsandra Wiciel a photographer from America and was blown away by her creativity on a shoot we worked on together for the fist time. Alex randomly mentioned to me after that shoot when she was back in America that she would love to do a maternity shoot with me. I jumped at the chance to work with her again and the three of us got together on the one day Alex had free in Durban (which happened to be her birthday!) and made what I think you can agree is absolute magic. As Alex said she considers these works of Art. She captured the exact essence of what I wanted in these pics. Focus on the baby, the warmth of a second chance, the blessing growing inside me and the colours all bright.
There is a silence that comes with these pics – if you really look, but that’s not what I want you to see. I want you to see the colours, the Baby and a Mother. A Mother who like all Moms never ceases to worry, never ceases to grow, but most of all wants what is best for her child.
Thank you to both Alex and Laura for your part in bringing my vision to life in such an incredible way. I appreciate your valuable time and these photos are such a treasure to my soul